They hurt. Like someone slammed them in a door. Separately. Then together. I have had such a hard struggle with weaning Gibson off the boob milk. Aside from the pain I'm in. It has taken such a toll emotionally on me. Every time he cries I feel like he's screaming for my milk. It's enough to make a nun go bald. I did good. I fed him strictly from the breast (by way of a bottle, he never learned to latch) for eight months. More than I can say for most people. I just wish this decision didn't hinge on so many other things. Not one single thing I wanted to happen while pregnant or during birth went right. This has been the only thing I could control. And now.... I'm weaning. I am fricken caught between, once again.
It can't just be an easy thing for me. Nothing ever is. I was doing pretty well with the amount of my milk supply. Then we went to Puerto Rico (which was HEAVEN) came home and WHAM! STREEEEESSSS!! Not really that conducive to getting the ol juices flowing. Then I get sick and the drugs the Dr prescribed wouldn't allow me to feed him the milk anyway. It just went farther downhill. So here I am, aching tits and all. Wishing I would have pushed harder to keep it going. Is it because I'm having a hard time accepting the fact he's getting so big, SO fast? I just want the absolute best for this kid. If that means my last breath, so be it. I know the kid's going to live without the milk but, can he and his Dad live with me while I go without?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Just a disclaimer.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish from this. I'm hoping it can be a way for me to release some of the everyday tensions I carry around.
I'm an everyday kinda girl. With my own little spin on life. I'm not always tactful or gentle. I have a horrible mouth at times. It's getting better-ish. It's a process. Don't judge me. I'm trying to come into my own. I have people all around me who
I have things in common with but, for the most part, I'm pretty singular. I Hope I am the type of person that people will consider a true friend. A strong willed, smart, kind person. At times when I speak people think I'm angry because I speak with passion. It drives me nuts. I hate being labeled. I'm probably more paranoid about it than I should be. God knows I pick shit apart until all the flavor is gone out of it. I have been known to just chew it and chew it and then stick that shit in my hair. It's pretty ridiculous. I recently met some people who didn't really have a care in the world. They didn't have anything really. They radiated positivity. It was all good. Rain? No problem. No ride? No problem. They were just hitchhiking along. Seeing what all was out there. More or less just drifting along through life. Totally free. I was supposed to meet these people I just know it. I think they are going to show me how to just be.I believe that they are going to teach me how can I make myself not care about this or that. It's not as if it matters anyway. Yet, there are certain things that I snag onto with my mind and it's all I can do to file it away. It.Makes.Me.NUTS. Praise god for hippies.
I want to be uber organized. I want to have a little home for all my shit. Everything in its place. I want to be scheduled and structured. Yet, I want to be free in my own mind. I don't want to care if so and so is setting themselves up to fail. I don't want to be pulled into drama. That part is getting better. Ever since I got back into the groove of letting people have it when they cross me the bullshit has really leveled off. I want to get my house in order and have it be the comfy little safe place I have in my mind.
I feel so reluctant about actually publishing this. Why should I even care!? What difference will other people reading this make!? I wish I could be as care free as people think I am. For the most part I'm pretty good but, there are certain things that I am so shy about. A LOT of people would call you stupid if you said my name in the same sentence as shy... I feel like I always have to be "on" around some people. They don't know me at all really. Does that make me a liar or them stupid? Maybe it's a bit of both.
I'm an everyday kinda girl. With my own little spin on life. I'm not always tactful or gentle. I have a horrible mouth at times. It's getting better-ish. It's a process. Don't judge me. I'm trying to come into my own. I have people all around me who
I have things in common with but, for the most part, I'm pretty singular. I Hope I am the type of person that people will consider a true friend. A strong willed, smart, kind person. At times when I speak people think I'm angry because I speak with passion. It drives me nuts. I hate being labeled. I'm probably more paranoid about it than I should be. God knows I pick shit apart until all the flavor is gone out of it. I have been known to just chew it and chew it and then stick that shit in my hair. It's pretty ridiculous. I recently met some people who didn't really have a care in the world. They didn't have anything really. They radiated positivity. It was all good. Rain? No problem. No ride? No problem. They were just hitchhiking along. Seeing what all was out there. More or less just drifting along through life. Totally free. I was supposed to meet these people I just know it. I think they are going to show me how to just be.I believe that they are going to teach me how can I make myself not care about this or that. It's not as if it matters anyway. Yet, there are certain things that I snag onto with my mind and it's all I can do to file it away. It.Makes.Me.NUTS. Praise god for hippies.
I want to be uber organized. I want to have a little home for all my shit. Everything in its place. I want to be scheduled and structured. Yet, I want to be free in my own mind. I don't want to care if so and so is setting themselves up to fail. I don't want to be pulled into drama. That part is getting better. Ever since I got back into the groove of letting people have it when they cross me the bullshit has really leveled off. I want to get my house in order and have it be the comfy little safe place I have in my mind.
I feel so reluctant about actually publishing this. Why should I even care!? What difference will other people reading this make!? I wish I could be as care free as people think I am. For the most part I'm pretty good but, there are certain things that I am so shy about. A LOT of people would call you stupid if you said my name in the same sentence as shy... I feel like I always have to be "on" around some people. They don't know me at all really. Does that make me a liar or them stupid? Maybe it's a bit of both.
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